“Street Fighter” (1994)

Street Fighter: The Movie; Some say it’s cheesy fun, others say it killed Raul Julia. Whatever your opinion, today we take a look at what makes it awesome.

The plot is basically that there’s some made up country called Shadaloo over near China or maybe Thailand. M. Bison is the hilariously evil warlord who is trying to take it over. He kidnapped a bunch of relief workers and is holding them hostage for eleventy billion dollars or some other ridiculous amount. Raul Julia plays M. Bison and you may remember him as Gomez Adams in the Adams Family movies. Lots of folks say this movie killed him as he died just after the release. Those people are incredibly mean. I think “Overdrawn at the Memory Bank” basically did the job of killing Raul. Anyone who had to be in something so terrible is probably already dead inside.

Back to the action. The movie basically throws every single character from Street Fighter into the mix and hopes that something will form that won’t cause fans to commit hari-kari or regular audience members eyes to start bleeding. I think they almost succeeded. Jean Claude is Colonel Guile leader of the AN or Allied Nations. Not to be confused with the UN because the AN can kick more ass. Kylie Monogue is in there as Cammy and that is the extent of my knowledge about actors in Street Fighter. Some dude is Ken, That Guy is Ryu, Big Dude is Zangief, Black Dude with accent is DeeJay, other Black Dude is Balrog, Fat Guy is E. Honda, Chinese Chick I think is on Vanished is Chun-Li, evil looking dude is Sagat (Edit: I now know that the guy who plays Sagat is Wes Studi and has actually been in a number of other movies, including Heat), vaguely Native American guy is T. Hawk, gay looking dude is Vega, Spanish dude is Blanka, and that Indian Guy is Dhalsim. Yup, a stellar cast.

Ken and Ryu are the world’s worst con men and sell Nerf guns to Sagat and Vega. Sagat makes Ryu fight Vega in a cage match,

“Of course cage matches work, if they didn’t everyone would still be in the cage”. -Michael Scott.

Before the epic matchup can begin Guile busts in with his giant missile truck which might be compensating for something judging from the size of the missiles. Everyone in the building is then arrested. This makes Sagat and Vega kinda pissed so they start a fight with Ken and Ryu in prison. Guile comes up with a genius plan to find out Bison’s hideout by having Ken and Ryu “kill” him in a prison break. I’m not sure if the Guile rigged the blood pouch to burst or if Ken had to actually shoot it. If it has the latter then it shows that Guile is a serious mofo or that he doesn’t think carefully about plans. Meanwhile Chun-Li and her merry men Balrog and Honda put a tracking device on the prison truck as well. Li (I’m already tired of writing Chun-) goes to ivestigate and ends up in the morgue. *Gasp* Guile wasn’t dead! Li is arrested but escapes possibly in response to Cammy’s catty comment about her ninja outfit. Ken, Ryu, Sagat and Vega meet with Bison at the happiest place on earth, the Thieves Market.

Apparantely it’s a black market that is set-up like a huge carnival. Lights and Cotton candy are everywhere. Li, Balrog and Honda set-up a truck full of explosives to crash into the tent where Bison is. They warn Ken and Ryu because they know they are Guile’s inside men. Ken and Ryu then walk into a Mexican stand-off between Sagat and Bison.  Bison tried to pay for his guns with monopoly money (“Every Bison Dollar will be worth 5 British Pounds!) and Sagat only accepts money from the Game of Life. Ken and Ryu double cross the bombing trio and Li, Honda and Balrog are captured. Zangief is a comic genius in this movie, by the way. When everyone is watching a video feed of the truck Zangief’s suggestion is, “Quick!! Change the Channel!”.

At Bison’s HQ Balrog and Honda are tortured by the man with the most horrible Russian accent in movie history. Honda then says one of the greatest lines of dialogue ever, “I’m Sumo brother, my mind can be in a different place from my body.” Damn you Oscar Commitee, I smell snubbing. Chun-Li is to be given a “private interview” by Bison, cue porn music. Besides torture and kidnapping, Bison’s other hobbies include making mutant soldiers. Carlos Blanka is conveniently Guile’s best friend and is captured in the first 5 minutes of the movie. Bison pumps him full of steroids and something that looks like either gatorade or jello but is labeled “DNA MUTAGEN!”. Then they force him to watch video of explosions, battle and the View to make him a deadly killing machine. Doctor Dhalsim, who neither stretches nor breathes fire, feels that no one should be forced to watch sights as terrible as Rosie O’Donnell changes the inputs into video of people getting married, puppies, flowers, rainbows and other happy things.

Using the tracking device Guile figures out the Bison is at some ancient ruins so they plan to use boats and go blow it up.  Guile, Cammy and T. Hawk are going to be in the “stealth” boat that they stole from Q branch and everyone else will attack in rubber dinghy’s.  However before they can begin the attack one of the most snobby and douchey officials in movie history arrives to crap on everyone’s parade.  He tells Guile that the AN is going to negotiate with Bison and pay the ransom.  Guile takes this kind of badly but then launches into one of the most epic speeches in cinema:

So after that amazing scene Guile and crew head out in their amazing stealth boat.  In fact, the stealth boat’s technology is so amazing that it doesn’t show up on a normal video camera, even though it’s only invisible to radar. Bison blows the stealth boat’s cover and proceeds to play Missile Command or something to detonate mines. The gang bail out of the boat and head for the temple. Cammy and T. Hawk basically defeat the outside guards single handedly and Guile heads underground. He finds the Blanka escaped and wants his help. Guile’s “help” is to put a bullet in his head and go kick Bison’s ass. Dhalsim stops him and tells him that he will stay with Blanka. Guile then gets in Blanka’s pod and heads up top. The most insanely unrealistic kick jump ever ensues and the epic Guile vs. Bison battle begins. Everyone else heads out to lead the hostages out. Honda begins a “godzilla” like fight with Zangief. Ken starts to loot the temple but then has a convenient change of heart and helps Ryu fight Sagat and Vega. They kick their asses and head out. DeeJay grabs a chest full of money and leaves. Sagat tells him that he is going to join him. Guile bicycle kicks Bison 3 times or so and then kicks him into a control panel, which electrocutes him. Bison’s suit then initiates, “extend movie fight sequence mode” and gives Bison CPR. Isn’t technology awesome?

It gets even awesomer when Bison use Electromagnets to fly around and zap guile with electricity. The whole time Bison keeps saying lines such as, “Am I not a God?” and “Do you not recognize my godliness?”. Guile responds by kicking him into the giant TV in the room. This somehow causes the whole base to blow up. Guile gets out through the vents and everyone else heads out the front doors with thanks to Zangief, who joins the AN after realizing that DeeJay got paid and Bison is evil. Vega we presume is dead, Sagat and DeeJay’s case is full of monopoly money, and our heroes celebrate a job well done. They all then pose in the cheesiest moment of cinema history.  Street Fighter is like a delicious slab of Gouda, cut that shit up, put it on some crackers and enjoy.