Enter the Asylum: Pirates of Treasure Island

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest came out in 2006 and, slightly outmatched budget wise, The Asylum hit back with their take on the public domain (re: free licensing) classic, Treasure Island, with Pirates of Treasure Island.

Lance Henriksen again, huh?:  Yup, taking on the iconic role of Long John Silver but clearly being told to be as close to Keith Richards/Jack Sparrow as possible, as he’s constantly drunk, using some sort of vaguely Australian/English accent the entire time.

Anybody else recognizable?: Not unless you’ve been keeping up with Enter the Asylum and recognize people like Rhett Giles

How close is it to Treasure Island?: Surprisingly pretty faithful, Jim Hawkins gets a treasure map from the dead Billy Bones, assembles a crew and heads to the island and befriends Long John Silver before getting betrayed by him and his crew.  The Asylum spin on it is to throw in Anne Bonne so they have an attractive actress to slightly distract you from the awfulness and giant CG bugs who do not factor into or affect the plot in any way.

How do giant bugs not factor into the plot?: I don’t know but they literally just show up in one scene, don’t attack anyone and everyone is able to just easily escape them.  I think we’re supposed to assume that a giant bug bit off Long John Silver’s leg in the opening scene, giving him his famous peg leg.

Is there some fun sword fighting at least?: Not really, you would probably find more exciting and accurate pirate sword fights from the Treasure Island casino live show, probably also much more accurate and not as cheap looking costumes as well.  The fights are all super awkward and seem like everyone are doing the slow steps you learn before putting them all together for the actual fight sequence.

So literally any other Treasure Island or Pirate movie would be better to watch than this?:  Here’s a list of things that I would rather watch before watching this again (in no particular order): Cutthroat Island, any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies,(yes, even On Stranger Tides), Muppets Treasure Island, Treasure Planet, Hook and Black Sails (which isn’t even out yet).

What about that porn that was called, I think, Pirates? I haven’t seen it but I’m sure the costumes and setting is more realistic and accurate to actual pirates than this movie.

Is there a dumb, abrupt, ridiculous ending like most Asylum movies?: Kind of, Jim defeats Long John Silver and then he and his crew of all ladies takes back the Hispanola from the remaining pirates and kills one of the giant bugs with the ship’s cannons.  It should be noted that the majority of the ladies fighting have not shown even a tiny iota of fighting skills in the entire movie but then are instantly dual sword wielding bad asses.  Also that giant bug seemed like he was just hanging out and not going to harm anyone.

Would you recommend any one see it?: God no, especially with the seemingly infinite number of other Treasure Island adaptations out there, all that are probably much better acted, have better action and more accurate costumes and setting.

Next Up: A group of typical dumb teens become the targets for Hillside Cannibals