Zach’s Top 5 Worst Movies of 2023

It was a strange year for entertainment between the writer and actor strikes, movies with astronomical budgets failing spectacularly at the box office, completed projects being stripped from streaming services or never seeing the light of day, and more.  Along with all that, some pretty bad movies came out, and here are my picks for the Top 5 Worst of 2023.

1. Expend4bles: It pains me to put Expend4bles at the top of the worst list because, at one point, this franchise was one of our favorites at Everything Action, especially The Expendables 2, with its homage to old-school action and the icons that made it great.  The Expendables 3 was neutered by a PG-13 rating and a cast of completely unmemorable replacement Expendables but Expend4bles kills the franchise with a meek whimper of an action movie.  From cheap-looking CG special effects and characters clearly being shot in front of a green screen or “The Volume”, to Stallone basically having an extended cameo instead of a starring role and most of the movie taking place on a boat, it’s inexplicable why Lionsgate even bothered to make another entry in the series.  Even having Tony Jaa and Iko Uwais doesn’t help anything with the action and all the new characters like Megan Fox and Andy Garcia are completely forgettable and uninteresting.  A sad end to a series that peaked and should have ended with its excellent 2nd entry.  Also, that title is just stupid.
2. Hypnotic: Robert Rodriguez tried to make a Christopher Nolan movie and it was a ludicrous, laughably bad thriller that seems to think throwing multiple, unearned twists at audiences is the key to making things interesting and compelling.  Ben Affleck sleepwalks through his starring role and the only person seemingly having any fun is William Fichtner.  One of the most hilariously terrible moments of the year is when the “truth” about what is happening is revealed, which consists of people driving golf carts in Rodriguez’s home backlot.  It’s trying to be on the level of Inception but it doesn’t even reach the level of a Tenet.
3. Shazam: Fury of the Gods: The DCEU died a long, protracted, painful death this year in theaters and Shazam: Fury of the Gods was one of the most disappointing entries of this farewell tour.  The first movie was an absolute blast with a charming premise and fun action and humor.  Fury of the Gods is a mess with a needlessly complicated villain plot that never really decides on what the villains are actually trying to achieve. It also tries to give most of Billy’s super siblings their own subplots, most of which don’t even get satisfactorily resolved or fleshed out and Billy himself is barely in the movie, with Asher Angel taking a huge backseat to Zachary Levi.  It also suffers from the same thing all the DCEU movies suffered from this year and that’s the fact that we know none of this matters so any setups for future plots or cameos from other heroes don’t have any impact since James Gunn and Peter Safran are wiping most of the board and starting fresh.
4. The Flash: Speaking of the DCEU, The Flash was also a messy disaster, but it at least started more promising than Fury of the Gods.  The setup and first half of The Flash are actually pretty fun, with the reintroduction of Michael Keaton’s Batman and the dueling Barrys but it eventually turns into pure superhero sludge by the end, with a truly terrible ending full of hollow fan service that comes across as more desperate than fun and some terrible looking CGI (which is still horrifically ugly even though Andy Muschietti said it’s “supposed” to look that way).  The Flash TV series also ended this year on a terrible whimper, so it wasn’t a great time for Barry Allen or DC in general.
5. Five Nights at Freddy’s: This pick might get some hate, especially from fans of the franchise who seemingly got everything they could have possibly wanted from this movie, but, not being a fan of the franchise, this movie was a boring slog that completely squandered its premise.  The idea of killer Chuck E. Cheese-style animatronics killing people practically writes itself but the various attempts to try and bring that idea to the big screen have not worked out well at all.  Willy’s Wonderland lacked plot and had bizarre pacing and Five Nights at Freddy’s has too much plot and not enough killer robots.  Josh Hutcherson could not seem any more bored as the main character and his constant visits to the same dream every night gets tiring and repetitive.  The one gem in the movie is the Jim Henson Workshop-created characters, who look excellent and identical to their game counterparts but they deserved a movie that gave them more to do.  It made gobs of money, so a sequel is inevitably on the way, and hopefully, that will fulfill more of the promise of the premise and be more welcoming to non-fans.

Dishonorable Mentions

• Heart of Stone
• Haunted Mansion