Walker, Texas Ranger, loved genuinely by some, ironically by most, lasted 8 glorious, roundhouse kick-filled years on CBS. The show lives on in syndication (and spiritually in Steven Seagal’s True Justice). Chuck Norris as Cordell Walker led his revolving team of Texas Rangers against the worst criminals the state had to offer, usually drug dealers or escaped convicts, but certain cases were so insane, so bizarre, or so ridiculously cheesy, we had to do a countdown. In my humble opinion, here are the ten most ridiculous episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger. Feel free to debate or list episodes I missed in the comments.
10. Rise to the Occasion
Walker did not shy away from doing “very special” episodes, and this one pretty much represents them all on the list. While I appreciate the message they were trying to convey about accepting everyone and not bullying, the way Walker goes about reforming a school after one of the students commits suicide is super cheesy and impractical. The principal gives Walker free rein to do whatever he thinks is necessary to fix the school, which has nothing but the worst of the worst kids. He, of course, starts a karate program and also starts a uniform program. It all culminates in a hilariously bad karate demonstration set to one of the many “inspirational” songs Walker used over the years. The B-plot is also pretty hilarious, as Gage and Sydney go undercover in a nightclub to build a case against its crime-boss owner, and it also serves as a demo reel for Nia Peeples to try to be a musician.
9. The Principal
In one of my favorite “Walker Goes Undercover” episodes, The Principal finds Walker investigating a local high school under the guise of a substitute teacher. The principal of the school, an old friend of Walker’s, thinks that one of the teachers at the school has a drug-dealing operation going on. Walker investigates but also tries to inspire the kids by repeatedly bringing in motivational speakers, The Power Team, who give positive life lessons while smashing blocks of ice, bending steel beams, and breaking the chains of negativity. It gets pretty ridiculous by the third time the Walker brings in the Power Team to speak, and it has to be costing the school at least a little money to keep bringing them in. Anyway, it turns out, it’s the shop teacher, played by special guest James Remar, and the episode culminates in a tense rooftop battle at the school where Walker Roundhouse kicks the teacher off the roof, killing him in front of one of his former students/drug runners and probably scarring the kid for life. There’s also an amazing training montage for absolutely no reason except it’s possibly a guerrilla commercial for the Total Gym.
8. Vision Quest
After narrowly avoiding getting blown up by a bomb, Walker loses his vision and must use his combined martial arts training and Native American heritage to heighten his other senses. The rest of the rangers attempt to find out who was responsible for the bomb, but fail spectacularly, and the criminals break into Walker’s house and take Alex hostage. Thankfully, Walker has had a few hours to hone his hearing to superhuman levels and can take out the intruders, save the day, and get his sight back almost immediately afterward.
7. Fight or Die
In this episode, Walker, Trivette, and Gage go undercover at a prison that is running illegal fights and putting them up on that new-fangled “internet” thing. Ken Shamrock and the late Macho Man Randy Savage guest star as fellow cage fighters and it’s always hilarious to see the Rangers trying to pretend to be hardened criminals. Walker just doesn’t do anything, Trivette is completely unbelievable and Gage tries way too hard to be “hard”. The prison is also set up like some sort of Roman gladiator ludus, with the “champions” getting special private cells with various amenities.
6. “Special Witness”
Gary Busey, I could probably just stop there. But there’s so much wonderful insanity going on in this episode I have to get into it. Walker’s protege, Trent, is the Big Brotheresque mentor to a special needs girl. On their way home from one of their days out and about Gary Busey, dressed as a priest, lures Trent into an alley and stabs him. Turns out, Busey is a hitman hired to keep Trent from testifying in court. The special girl is now the only witness and Busey is after her, leading to the amazing final battle of Chuck Norris vs Gary Busey. Also, Carlos dresses like an old woman to foil a gang of purse-snatchers, and Walker and Trivette take down an entire biker gang (as you saw above).
5. The Bachelor Party and Swan Song (Tie)
Only a show like Walker, Texas Ranger could feature two separate episodes where Walker has to fight a grizzly bear. The first is Swan Song, where Alex and Walker head to Utah to investigate a plane crash from eight years ago, where a group of bank robbers, with $3 million in cash, crashed in the mountains. A group of greedy fortune hunters follows Walker’s team, and both groups are in danger from the crazy, cannibal plane-crash survivor now living in the woods and from bears, who are powerless against the intensity of the Walker stare-down. The other time Walker had to fight off a bear was when he, Trivette, and Gage headed into the woods for Walker’s bachelor party and found themselves hunted by a stubborn, vicious grizzly. It’s a scientific fact that Chuck Norris is the natural enemy of the bear, so everyone managed to escape intact.
4. Thunderhawk
Over the years on Walker, various pieces of high-tech government weaponry have been stolen, like a stealth helicopter and, in this episode, a laser gun that causes buildings to vibrate and eventually collapse. A group of white-collar criminals hits the facility the weapon is being developed in, only to have the weapon stolen from them by a gang of drug-addled rednecks. The entire episode is just a game of hot potato as the weapon bounces from one gang to the other, to Walker, and back again. It’s also worth noting that the special effects for the “laser” are particularly cheesy.
3. Way of the Warrior
In this episode, Walker goes back in time. Let me repeat that, Walker…goes back…in time. An Indian shaman transports Walker back to the 19th century to prevent an injustice that seems to be mirrored in the present. The show went back in time before, but that was when Walker was telling stories about the first Texas Ranger, who was also played by Chuck Norris. Now you have the actual character of Cordell Walker roundhouse-kicking history in the face and causing god knows what kind of damage to the future timeline. I’m guessing since it was the last season, no one cared that much.
2. Brainchild
This episode not only features a genius, telekinetic kid but also a super-advanced AI computer, so you know, typical Texas Ranger business. Young Chad escapes from the research facility he lives in when the computer warns him that the lead scientist will probably try to strain his brain to its limits and kill him, so he escapes and gets the help of Walker (who is his internet friend) to rescue his mom and stop the scientists. Because he’s a human guinea pig, Chad also has telekinetic powers for some reason.
1. Evil in the Night
An evil spirit is murdering construction workers, whose job site has disturbed an Indian burial ground. You’re probably thinking, “It’s probably just a guy in a costume a la Scooby Doo,”, and you’d be correct if Walker, Texas Ranger operated on anything resembling logic. No, it’s the actual ghost of Running Wolf, who practiced the dark Native American medicine arts and was cursed, probably. Walker hears about the murders and must figure out how to battle Running Wolf, either in reality or in the dream world, and gets a crash course in Native American ghost-busting from the living medicine man, White Eagle. The number of smash cuts to animals and other Native American imagery, the crazy video effects, and the fact that Walker is fighting a ghost easily make this the most ridiculous episode of Walker.
Honorable Mention: Stand-Off
Walker uses a jet pack to foil the assassination of the President of Mexico. The only reason this episode didn’t make the list is that, until the jet pack shows up, it’s a pretty normal episode of Walker.
